Silence. I have switched off the phone for two hours. Maybe the important thing is not the words I write, but my own thoughts. To reclaim a space for them.
A space for expressions without impressions.
I believe that instagram makes me ill. I think my body gets tense when I am on there, that my breathing changes, and my eyes are strained.
I believe it eats up my life. And I rarely remember what it is I have done there. It all blends into something muddled. What have I seen? Who have I spoken to? What have I said? Who has listened?
I once compared it to eating a large bag of crisps. You do get full, you can't stop eating, but you hardly got any nutrition.
If I know that instagram makes me sick, why can I not quit? The way that I have actually managed to quit chocolate to avoid migraines.
Because I am convinced that I need it to be able to continue my career. I don't know how people will see me if I am not there. But maybe I have learned to rely too much on it? Maybe I should try to strengthen other muscles? If I do quit I will be forced to strengthen other muscles. Thats't what I think sometimes. You have to leave something in order to find something else.
Maybe it's not the app itself that makes me ill, but the way I am using it? That's at least the way the manufacturer would like me to see it. That the app is fundamentally good and made in order to create connections and possibilities to share ideas.
Most of my photographs are too quiet for that environment. If they are even allowed there. The one that does work is the rainbow underwear. It's loud, slightly provocative and aesthetic.
Reasons why I am afraid to leave instagram: 1. Financial - will I lose a large chunk of my income?
2. Status - who am I without? 3. Fomo - will I miss something? 4. Loss of connections – will I loose touch with people I only know there? 5. Financial again – how will I sell my books?
And this is where I give up the idea. I am not yet ready to face all these fears.
The question for now will continue to be: How can I use instagram with the least amount of damage? What can I do differently? How can I reclaim my time and stop offering it to instagram while I still use it as an efficient tool in my working day? Can I?
I feel sick when I think about how large parts of my life that I have lived on that app.
I feel sick when I consider how much power it has over so many people. How we are allowing it to dictate what kind of art we are consuming and what kind of artists that are being seen. I feel sick to know that while young people learn about sex through porn my work which touches on subjects of sex and the body in a much more nuanced and sensitive way is supposed to be hidden away somewhere to protect the young.
I don't have any answers yet. Just questions and loose thoughts. I wrote all this down for myself first of all, but I now think it's worth sharing and to have an open conversation about it.
I also find Instagram damaging and although I have some understanding of the psychology behind this and other social media, I still use IG but I wish I didn’t; I even set up a second account to ween myself off the mindless feeds. I don’t use any other social media and I dislike feeding the monster of Meta. However, I like the access to such a wide variety of creative work. That’s what keeps me hooked. My weapon against it though is to have other things that need my attention so I don’t get sucked into losing hours looking at my phone. At 54 years old, I should be able to manage my own time better which goes to show how powerfully addictive Instagram can be.
Like others I deleted the app and used the browser, that has gradually changed and like you I questioned my engagement with this. In the context of how Meta/instagram uses or fails to manage our data I chose to delete the account. You and your work won’t change if you do, and you will have much more time to focus on yourself and what you do so well.